Harry Potter and the Broom Closet of Brooms
by Big Man Bryan
Summary: Sequel of Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection, and spoof of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. MPAA rating: R
1. Verne Troyer's Warning

**Harry Potter and the Broom Closets of Brooms**

R- Sexual and crude humor, pervasive racial and drug references, and strong language

**Introduction**

This is the sequel to Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection and spoof of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. The rating has changed, so more will be added. Sorry for the long wait, but our computer was down, and I couldn't access the story. So, here it is.

**Verne Troyer's Warning**

One night, Harry Potter was looking through his photo album. The first was a picture of his mother, father, and him as a baby. The second one was of him and his friends, Hermione, Ron, and Dave. When he turned the page, the room filled up with light and music. It was an old photo of a younger Hagrid at a bachelor party. The younger Hagrid stared at him.

"What are you looking at?" he asked. "Get your own!"

Harry shut it before Uncle Vernon could yell at him about the noise.

"Hey!" his black friend Dave called to him. "Would you stop looking at that stuff and help me out?"

Dave had been trying to open Hedwig's cage, and by doing so, make a lot of noise. He was using a sledgehammer this time.

"Sorry, Dave," Harry said. "I just miss my friends."

"Who, those ungrateful bastards that don't even remember to write a damn letter to you?"

"I'm surprised at you, Dave. I thought you and Hermione had that... thing going on. Don't you still like her?"

"What kind of dumbass question was that? Of course I do! I think about her all the time, even when I'm not masturbating. That definitely means something. But now, until I see her again, I hate her."

Now Dave had taken out a chainsaw and tore at the cage's lock.

"Dave, you're making too much noise!" Harry shouted over the chainsaw.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"It's the Dursleys' rule not to make a lot of noise!"

"Oh, I get it. Since I'm black, I'm just bound to break rules! Is that right?"

"No, you negative bitch!"

"Ah ha! You were gonna say 'nigger', weren't you?"

"SHUT UP!"

Finally, it was silent. Just then, a paper clip dropped to the floor, barely making a sound.

"HARRY POTTER!" Vernon's booming voice filtered the house. "GET DOWN HERE!"

"Thanks a lot," Harry said.

"No problem."

Harry went downstairs to see what he wanted.

"What are you doing up there, boy?" Vernon shouted. "You cannot make this much noise when the Masons arrive. Every time something happens, it's because of you! You broke the chair in Church-"

"That was Sherman Klump- I mean Dudley. He was too fat."

"Well, what about the time you farted and blow up the World Trade Center?"

"Terrorists. Plus it fell down when Dudley farted."

"Try to get out of this one, boy. Why was there a used condom in Dudley's room?"

"Because it was Dudley's, you dumb shit!"

"There is one thing wrong with that theory. If you actually expect me to believe that Dudley can get laid, you're very mistaken, my boy! Now, you go to your room, be quiet, or I'll beat you like a slave in the Mississippi!"

BANG! Dave's foot broke through the ceiling and kicked Uncle Vernon.

Harry went upstairs to go to his room. When he went in, there was a midget standing on his bed.

"Who are you?" Harry asked.

"I'm Dobby the house elf, but you can call me by my nickname, Verne Troyer," the thing said. "Now, I've got to make this quick. Me and my dawgs are gonna shoot up Bush's place tonight. You and your friend, Dave ("He knows my name," Dave said.), can't go back to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!"

Both Harry and Dave cheer!

"Wait a min'! You're happy about this?"

"Hell yeah, dude. No more school," Harry explained. "We can just stay here all school year. No homework, no teachers, none of that shit!"

"But you like school. You wanted to go back!"

"Nigga, please!" Dave said. "What kind of fucked up kid _wants_ to go to school?"

"Fine. I'll make you want to go to school. In the future, there will be a new cable channel on Muggle television for gays only, featuring Ellen DeGeneres!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the two screamed. "We got to back to school!"

"Well I'm not letting you," Troyer said before running out of the room all the way to the kitchen.

He turned invisible and kicked Mr. Mason in the nut. Then he punched his wife. Then he kicked him in the nuts again. And again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again x 20 Near death experience.

They had to take him to the hospital. When they left, Uncle Vernon called Harry and Dave down.

"Well, I have to admit, that was one good gag you did," Vernon said, cheerily.

The two boys looked confused.

"It wasn't a gag, Mr. Dursley," Dave said.

"On, come on, Dave, only you could come up with something like that."

"But Harry did it. Thank him."

"WHAT! YOU'VE RUINED MY DEAL WITH THE MASONS! YOU THINK THAT WAS FUNNY, BOY!"

"No-"

"SHUT UP! I'M GONNA LOCK YOU UP, AND WE'LL NEVER GO TO THAT SCHOOL AGAIN!"

As they went upstairs, Harry and Dave gave each high fives.

"No more school ever! This is the best day of my life!"

**I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as possible. Thanks!**


	2. The Worst House in the World

**Harry Potter and the Broom Closets of Brooms**

**The Worst House in the World**

Harry and Dave were sleeping peacefully in their caged room when a humming noise could heard outside. Harry was the first to wake up. He looked out of the window to see that a small Ford car was parked in mid-air next to the window. Ron poked his head out of the window.

"Ron?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, I'll take three cheeseburgers and one small fry," he said.

"No, Ron, it's me, Harry."

"Oh, yeah."

"What are you doing here?"

"We're rescuing you."

"But I don't want to go back to school. You and Hermione betrayed me."

"Hermione!"

Dave was all packed and ready to go. Harry stared at him.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I wanna see Hermione," Dave answered. "Hurry up let's go."

"But the cage is on the window."

"We'll get it off," George and Fred Weasley, Ron's older brothers, said.

They hooked a grapple onto the cage and their bumper. They then drove forward. Instead of the cage coming off, the bumper flew off and slammed into it, creating a huge dent. One big enough to climb out of.

Suddenly, Uncle Vernon could be heard.

Dave jumped in the cars with his stuff. Harry followed. That's when Uncle Vernon burst into the room and jumped to grab him. Unfortunately, he fell out of the window and on to assorted garden tools. The car drove off into the night.

"That was close," Harry said. "Thanks a lot you guys."

"Hey, no problem, bud," Ron said.

Dave was stiffing the air with a disgusted look on his face.

"What smells like shit?" he asked.

The Weasleys looked at each other.

"Well," Fred started, "we wanted to come straight here and back. We didn't want to make any pit stops, so we improvised."

He pulled out a sandwich bag full of poop. Harry and Dave twitched to the back.

In was early morning by the time they reached the Weasleys' house. It was actually the ruins of the Twins Towers, London edition.

"Nobody would even think of living here," George said with pride in his voice.

Ron on the other hand looked embarrassed.

After they parked by the house, they all stuck into the house so their mother wouldn't hear them. Unknown to them, she was already up.

"Where the hell have you boys been!"

She was angry. (No shit.)

The boys noticed some white powder around her lips.

"What's that stuff on your mouth, mum?" Ron asked.

"Oh, that's..." she tried to come up with a lie, knowing that was cocaine on her face. "Don't change the subject. You go off into the Muggle world and then think you can get away with it?"

"No," Ron said.

"Of course you did," she snapped. "Harry, come on and have some breakfast."

Dave cleared his throat.

"You too, Dave."

"See," he gloated. "She knows _my_ name."

As they ate breakfast, Ginny, the youngest and only daughter, ran downstairs.

"Mummy, have you seen my clothe-"

She looked at the kitchen. All the boys were staring at her. She screamed.

Why? She thought she and her mother were the only ones in the house. Therefore, she was naked.

The boys screamed also. Except for Dave, who had taken a picture. Ron had used a telescope for a better look. George and Fred had sunglasses on to hide the shame. Harry just stared speechless.

"Nice breast," he said.

For a split second she stopped screaming and said, "Thanks," then started screaming again.

She ran out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

"That adds more to my collection," Dave said, cheerfully, as he put his camera away.

Just then, Arthur Weasley, the father, came home. Mrs. Weasley went to the door to greet him.

"You're late, honey," she said unenthusiastically.

"Me and the boys had some drinks at this strip club," he said. "The next thing I know, this naked lady is sleeping next to me."

"Oh, that's wonderful, hon," she said, again without any enthusiasm. "Harry Potter came this morning."

"_The _Harry Potter! I'm a mess! He wouldn't except it."

"I'm right here, Mr. Weasley-"

"Not now, Harry, I'm almost done talking. Anyway, where is he?"

He saw Harry behind him.

"Holy shit, it's Harry Potter!"

Suddenly, the hoot of an owl could be heard. A barn owl came crashing onto the table. It had twenty poisonous needles on its back.

"There goes anyone," Mrs. Weasley said, throwing the dead owl away in a container that had a lot of other dead owls in it.

"Who's up next?" she called to the owls, who were all shivering with fear, in a cage.

"Oh, Molly, it's the boys' school supply list, including Harry and Dave's."

"Damn, man, how did he know we were here?" Dave asked. "Is he spying on us?"

Unknown to everyone in the kitchen, there was a camera placed in a corner of the ceiling.

In Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore was watching.

"Fuck, he's onto me!" he exclaimed.

Back in the Weasleys' house, everyone looked over their lists.

"Well, this looks like a trip to Diagon Alley," Mrs. Weasley said, triumphantly.

Triumphic music began to play, and everyone looked around to see where it was coming from.

**I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as possible. Thanks!**


	3. Not Diagon Alley

**Harry Potter and the Broom Closets of Brooms**

**Not Diagon Alley**

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley and the kids were huddle around the fireplace. Mrs. Weasley held in her hands a flower pot filled with a powder. She gave the pot to Harry.

"Here, you first."

"I don't smoke."

"No, Harry, that's what the other pot's for. This is Floo Powder."

"We've never traveled by Floo Powder, Mrs. Weasley," Dave said. "And where's that other pot?"

"Okay, Ron," Mrs. Weasley called out to her son. "You show them how to do it."

Ron took a handful of Floo Powder out of the pot and stepped into the fireplace.

"Diagon Alley!" He shouted before throwing the powder down.

He burst into a flame and then disappeared.

"Cool! Ron's gone!" Dave said.

"I wish," Mr. Weasley whispered until his wife's eye met his. "I mean _we_ wish."

"That's right," she said, satisfied. "Now you and Dave go."

Harry grabs his handful. He and Dave stepped into the fireplace.

"Diagon Alley!"

Unfortunately, Dave sneezed while he said it.

It was like they were falling down a dark hole. Once they landed.

The store they were in was obviously not Diagon Alley. To Dave's horror, there were statues of lynched black people, books about cooking black people, and worst of all, there were even signs that read: "Whites Only! That means you!"

"Oh my God!" Dave gasped. "This must be Christopher Columbus' house!"

Suddenly, they could hear a door open. They both hid in a coffin which, to Dave's dismay, was filled with bones.

Inside came none other than Stevie Wonder, but than a man bigger than him, probably his father, followed.

"Touch nothing, Stevie," the man said. "Ah, Mr. Borgin."

An old man came out of nowhere.

"Hello, Mr. Wonder," he greeted him.

"I've come to sell you a few things that might embarrass me. I've used up all my porn for the summer, and so has my son."

"Yes. What did your wife say?"

"She wants to sell her stuff, too."

"Good. How many magazines?"

"1,301, each two pages long."

"I can pay you fifty Galleons and two Sickles."

"Good."

Mr. Wonder put a huge box on the counter. Mr. Borgin gave him his money.

"Thank you. Stevie, let's go."

They both left. Mr. Borgin beamed over his fresh supply of porn.

"Now we have something to burn this winter. My wife will be so happy. That is after she recovers from the fact that it's porn. Well, we can all use it by the time winter comes."

With that, he left the store.

Harry and Dave stuck out of their hiding spot and began to leave the store. Dave trudged behind to grab a lot of magazines.

"Dave!" Harry whispered.

"What?"

"Get some for me!"

He grabbed some for Harry and they both left.

**Sorry I didn't make my two week Friday deadline. Next Friday I will update on time. For new readers of such, Stevie Wonder is Draco Malfoy. Thanks for reading!**


	4. At That Bookstore

**Harry Potter and the Broom Closets of Brooms**

**In... That Bookstore**

Once Harry and Dave left the store, they found themselves in a dark place. There were many mysterious people around wearing dark colors.

"This is pretty strange, huh, Dave?" Harry asked.

But Dave wasn't there.

"Dave?" Harry called out. "Dave!"

"I'm right here."

Harry turned around, but he saw nothing. Finally, he realized what it was: Dave was blending into the dark environment because of his skin color.

"I heard that!" Dave threatening me. "If I knew where you were, I'd kill you!"

Sure you would.

"Oh, you don't believe me. Wait 'til I find you. You'll be sorry!"

I'm sure you will.

"STOP MOCKING ME!"

I won't. This is pretty pointless so let's continue with the story.

"So you're invisible," Harry said, "but why aren't your clothes visible?"

"Classic Hollywood cliché?" he said.

"Good point. Let's get out of here."

They make their way to an exit, but three teenage girls were blocking the way.

"Excuse u- me, I'm trying to get through," he said.

"Why do you smell like," one of them said before taking another sniff, "black people?"

Of course, Dave being Dave, he lost his mind. He jumped kicked her causing her to fall down to the ground.

"Holy shit, there's black people around here!"

They all ran away.

"Good job, Dave," Harry said. "Now let's go!"

Just as they were two centimeters away from freedom, a booming voice was heard.

"Harry, Dave, what 'er ya doin' her'?"

It was Hagrid the giant.

"What 'er ya two doin' her'? Come wit' me so I can get ya out!"

"But the exit's right-"

"No excuses! Come on!"

He grabbed their hands, pulled them the few centimeters out of the alley, and let them go.

"That was too close," Hagrid said, breathing heavily as if he had to run to save them. "You could've been killed!"

Harry and Dave just looked at each other. After Hagrid left they went to find the Weasleys when they heard a familiar voice.

"Harry! Dave!"

It was Hermione!

"Hermione!" Harry cried as he ran over to her.

It looked like they were about to hug, but Hermione veered right passed him and crashed into Dave. They immediately began kissing each other. Harry couldn't bare to watch.

"Promise you'll never leave me again," she said in a cheesy-romantic movie sort of way.

"Only as long as you let me cheat on you if I get bored with your sex," Dave said back in the same way.

"It's a deal! But I can cheat on you, too, right?"

"As long as they're not black."

"You got it!"

Finally, Harry broke them up.

"Hermione, do you know where the Weasleys are?" he asked.

"You mean the ones who live in that stupid building ruins and have to work for many hours a day to pay for school supplies?"

"And don't forget they are smell, ugly bastards."

"Oh yeah, they're at... that bookstore."

"Okay, let's all go to... that bookstore."

They found the store in no time. The sign on the logo read... that bookstore. Dammit!

Anyway, once they went inside... that bookstore-

"Dude, you're starting to piss me off," Harry told me.

Sorry. Anyway, they found the Weasleys in no time in the back of the long line. The line was about as long as the Mississippi River from Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico. They were happy to see them.

"What happened?" Ron asked.

"Well, Dave and his weak-ass immune system landed us in another store," Harry said.

"Better my weak-ass immune system than your jackass brain," Dave shot back.

"Will at least my race doesn't have to be a fucking genius to get a job as a fucking janitor."

"You son of a bitch! No offense, Mrs. Potter."

"Whatever," she said.

Harry and Dave started beating the shit out of each other. At some point, Hermione jumped on Harry and started choking him to pry him off.

None of the Weasleys did anything to help. Not even the adults.

"Go Dave!" Ron yelled. "Kick his ass!"

Finally, a man in the front of the crowd fired a spark from his wand to settle everyone down. That's how he saw Harry.

"Harry Potter," he said to himself. "Bring him up here."

A security guard took away off of Dave and brought him up to him.

"Together, you and I make the front page," he said posing him and Harry for a photographer.

Once the picture was taken, he pushed Harry away.

"Who the hell is that?" Ron asked.

"It's Jackoph Brukindick," Hermione said.

Ron and Dave could not help but laugh silently to themselves.

Dave and Hermione were still on each other from the fight, but got up so no one would see them in that awkward position.

Harry was walking back to the others when little Stevie Wonder showed up.

"Bet you loved that, huh Potter," he taunted. "You can't even go to a bookstore without people thinking you're George Bush."

"No, they'd've shot me already," Harry defended.

"Yeah, I would've shot you too. Good point."

Finally, the others came to the rescue. Ginny stepped up.

"Leave him alone," she said.

"Well, looks like you got a girlfriend," Stevie teased.

"Hey, just because she masturbates to me doesn't mean she's my girlfriend," Harry defended.

"I don't masturbate to you!" Ginny said.

"Dude, your hand is in your pants right now."

Sure enough, she was touching herself. Suddenly, everyone in the store turned to Ginny. Mrs. Weasley ran straight up to her and slapped her.

"Ginny, that is totally inappropriate," she screeched. "I told you, if you have to do that, do it in the bathroom! We're going straight home you little pervent."

"_I'm_ a pervent?" Ginny asked. "_You're_ the one with seven kids!"

"Damn, she got you there," Hermione said.

"That's it! We're going home!"

She and Ginny ran out of... that bookstore.

Just then, Mr. Wonder came up to the kids.

"Well, if it isn't Harry Potter and friend," he said. "My worst enemies."

"But we just met," Harry told him.

"Exactly. Therefore you can't be trusted."

He looked at the Weasleys.

"Let's see: Red hair, overpopulation of children, second-hand materials-"

"Don't forget that we're smelly, ugly bastards," Fred said.

"Right, that too. You must be the Weasleys. Well, it was nice meeting you, I must be going, and oh, here's a book for your sister, now goodbye."

He was about to leave before Hermione spoke.

"Don't you have anything to say to me?" she asked.

"Besides the fact that you're a Muggle-born?"

Evil music started playing.

"Yes."

"...No."

A long silence.

"Well, I must be off. Come, Stevie."

The Wonders left.

"I'm sure we haven't seen the last of them," Ron stated.

"No shit, Ron, we, like, got five more books to spoof," Harry said.

"Damn. This stupid country."

**Just in case you didn't know, Jackoph Brukindick is Gilderoy Lockhart. I still don't know if I should add a new character, like Dave, or not. Send your reviews!**


	5. The Pine Cone Tree

**Harry Potter and the Broom Closets of Brooms**

**The Pine Cone Tree**

Harry, Dave, and all the Weasleys were running through King's Cross train station to make it in time for the departure of the Hogfarts Express.

"Okay, Percy, Fred, George, you first," Mr. Weasley shouted.

The three went to the barrier of platform 9 ¾ and pressed the elevator door. No Muggle saw this because they're too stupid.

After they went down, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley went along with Ginny to make sure she got through okay.

Now Harry, Dave, and Ron were alone. They ran full speed to the elevator and crashed.

All the Muggles went to see what happened.

"What the hell are you doing?" one of them asked.

"Sorry, you lost control of the trolleys," Harry said.

Everyone then walked away.

"How much time do we have?"

"Ten...nine...eight...seven...six...five...four...three...two...one...zero seconds," Ron said.

"I hate you," Harry said. "Now what do we do?"

Moments later, they were in the flying car and on their way to Hogwarts. Of course they had to turn the car invisible.

They were flying for hours in the hot, smelly car.

Harry was asleep. He dreamed that the Dursleys were beating the crap out of him while he was at Hogwarts and everyone at the school was watching. Everyone was laughing. Stevie Wonder had wet himself laughing. So did Snape. Even Professor Dumbledore was beside himself.

"Dumbledore, why!" Harry cried.

"I'm bored. I need to get some excitement before I die," Dumbledore answered.

Then their were his friends. Hermione, Ron, and especially Dave were sitting in the audience, eating popcorn and shouting at him.

"That's right, you take that, Harry!" Hermione yelled.

"Yeah, you're getting beat like a slave!" Ron yelled.

Dave side-kicked him out of a window.

Harry was still dreaming when Dave fell asleep.

I'm not going to tell you about his because it involves sexual things with him and Hermione.

"Aw, come on," Dave said in his sleep. "This is an R-rated story."

Exactly; it's **R-rated**, not **NC-17**.

"What about those people who post sex scenes on this site and never get caught? And don't act like you don't know because _you_ even read them!"

Oh, yeah. So you want me to tell them?

"Hell yeah!"

Okay...

Too bad.

"Fuck you!"

Ron was asleep also. Wait a minute, wasn't he driving? Oh, shit! Watch out for that-

The car crashed into a tree. Everyone woke up.

"Ron, you jackass!" Harry scolded. "Why did you go to sleep?"

"Hey, you were asleep, too! Plus I was tired."

He took out his wand.

"At least my wands all right."

At that instant, Dave took his wand and broke it in half.

"DAVE! WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE!"

"You better hope that I don't break your important wand!"

"Uh?"

"You know, your 'man wand'."

"Oh... Ugh!"

"Anyway, how do we get down from here?"

Suddenly, a branch hit the car. More branches mashed up the car by the time they realized what was going on. Harry was screaming like a baby.

"AHHHH! WE'RE GONNA DIE! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! I'M STILL A VIRGIN!"

An awkward silence. Ron and Dave stared at him.

"Oh, yeah, us too," they said, and then, "AHHHHHHH! WE'RE STILL VIRGINS, TOO! HAVE MERCY!"

Now, coincidently, there were three female teachers who were walking pass who over heard these cries.

"They're still virgins?" one said. "Geez, I'm only twenty, and I've been laid hundreds of times."

They all laughed.

Back in the car, a branch hit the roof and knocked Dave out. Another branch went through the front and hit Ron in the beanbag. Several branches hit Harry.

The car fell down a few more beatings later. The car threw the boys and their stuff out of it and drove off.

"Damn kids!" it yelled as it went into the forest. "I'll get you next time!"

Just then, the tree lurched backwards, getting ready to hit them.

"Run! Wait, our stuff!"

They threw their things out of the way of the tree and, like jackasses, ran forward instead of sidewalks where the stuff was.

The tree hit the ground with incredible force, but just missed them. Unfortunately, one of the branches caught Ron's trousers and boxers, pulling them down in front of the teachers. They stood there aghast.

"Wow. No wonder he's still a virgin," one of them said.

The teachers laughed. Harry and Dave laughed. Ron laughed... for a moment.

"Hey, shut up!" he said.

"Come on, you guys, we got to get to the school," Harry said.

They got their stuff and ran to the school.

Uh, is it just me, or does something seem unfinished here?

They walked into the school and ran into Filch.

"Hello, lads. How was your summer?" he asked.

"Uh, pretty go-"

"SHUT UP! You're going to Snape, you little bastards! Now come on!"

They walked into Snape's office a little later, where he was reading the _Daily Prophet®_. He looked up at them.

"I'll see you in Hell," Filch said, leaving, "and hopefully you'll get laid before that," he said to Ron, who glared at him.

"Sit down," Snape said.

They sat down on moth-eaten stools.

"Do you have any idea of what you have done?"

"No."

"Well, first of all, you were seen by several Muggles on your little 'adventure', you caused extensive damage to the Whomping Pine Cone Tree, and Ronald Weasley is still a virgin!"

How does everyone know that? Ron thought, angrily.

See, something's not finished.

"Well, anyway," Snape continued, "if it were up to me, you three would be expelled!"

"But guess what, bitch? It's not up to you!"

They all turned to the door. Albus Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall were standing there.

"But sir-"

"Don't 'but sir' me, you old fuck!" Dumbledore snapped.

Everyone was amazed; Dumbledore had never spoken like that before.

"They are staying in school, whether you like it or not. So shut up, or I'll perform a spell to break your wand!"

"My wand?"

"You know, your 'man wand'."

"Oh... Ugh!"

"So Hairy Boy, Ronald Trump, Dave... Dave, you go straight to the Great Hall and enjoy yourselves and get laid!"

What the hell? Ron thought.

And this is what never got happened:

"Ron dear," McGonagall said to Ron. "I know you're still a virgin (Ron glared at her), but would you be a gentleman and PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!"

Ron looked down. Sure enough, his boxers and trousers were still down.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly as he pulled them back up.

The three boys left in a hurry to avoid Dumbledore's rage.

"Albus, you really need to stop drinking."

"I'll do what ever I want, mother!"

**Wow, writer's block. Actually, what happened was I started an action story and I lost track of this one. Sorry about that, but thanks for waiting. Hopefully I can get the next chapter in by Saturday to keep up with my two-week Friday deadlines again. Thanks for reading!**


	6. Jackov Brukindik

**Harry Potter and the Broom Closets of Brooms**

**Jackov Brukindik**

The next morning was obviously the first day of school. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Dave ran down to Herbology class.

They made it to the greenhouses and took their seats with the rest of the students. Stevie Wonder and the Jackson second year were there as well.

A while later, Professor Sprout came out of the back room. Unfortunately, due to her overweightness, she could not get through the door that easily and had to have three students pull her out.

"Good morning children," she growled in her James Earl Jones sort of voice.

"Good morning," the students said, and later Ron whispered, "Sandbag."

She heard him.

"Weasley, I would suggest you get yourself some manners," she said.

"They're too expensive for him," Dave said, out loud so everyone could hear him.

Everyone laughed, even Stevie and the Professor.

"Now class," she said once everyone settled down, "we are going to learn about Mandrakes. Who can tell me what a Mandrake is?"

Only Hermione raised her hand because she's a big, fat know-it-all.

"Shut up," she said like the silly bitch she is. "Stop talking about me!"

She turned her big head towards Proawry y"T468uij

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Sorry about that, but Hermione hit me. Anyway, her smartest majesty turned her beautifully shaped head towards Professor Sprout.

"Thank you," she said, very approvingly. "Anyway, the Mandrake is an extremely important plant that is used to change a person who has been Petrified to their original state."

"Good job. I didn't understand a word you said, so it must be accurate. Ten points to Foxx! Can anyone tell me more?"

"Well," Hermione started, "the cry of a Mandrake only effects males."

"Great job. Ten more points!"

"Smart ass," Ron whispered.

"Mr. Weasley," the professor said, "maybe a detention would do you some good."

"So would a penny," Dave said, and everyone laughed again.

"Now, Mandrake's cries are only fatal to men, but since you guys are boys, I won't effect you as much. Now, all the boys grab a cup and put it on in the bathroom."

Confused, the boys went into the bathroom with the cup in front of them and came back out with them on.

"Now," the professor continued. "To repot a Mandrake, you must grab its stems-"

Everyone grabbed their plants' stems.

"-and then pull it straight up!"

Everyone did, and the horribly ugly babies come out, crying. All the boys gave out yelps of pain. Neville was on the floor crying until he finally passed out.

"Great," Professor Sprout said. "Hopefully now he won't be able to reproduce. You all know what the world would be like if that happened."

No one wanted to think about that. Hermione raised her hand.

"Even if he was able to reproduce," she said once she was called on, "no girl would even _think _about sleeping with him, would they?"

"Quite correct you are. That's ten more points to Foxx!"

"Know-it-all," Ron said.

"Mr. Weasley," the professor said, "you really can't afford another detention."

"Just like he can't afford anything else," Dave said, making everyone laugh again, even the unconscious Neville.

We'll skip to lunch time because... Anyway, Ron had just finished taping his wand together. Suddenly, a boy with a Muggle camera popped out of nowhere and took a picture of Harry. Because he wears glasses, the light magnified and burned his eyes.

"Hello, Harry," said the squeaky-voice kid. "I'm Colin Creevey. I'm a big fan of yours. I've read your biography 12 times. I've even written my own fanfiction about you. I can't believe I'm actually meeting you in person!"

Ironically, all Harry heard was, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!"

Suddenly, Ron's family owl came flying in. It fell on the table with a crash. Colin took a picture. All the Jackson laughed. The owl had an arrow lodged through its body.

"Oh, no!" Ron screamed.

"I think it's still edible," Dave said.

Everyone stared at him.

"Hey, in my neighborhood, we ate anything we could find on the ground."

"It's not that, it's that."

The owl held a red envelope in its beak. Ron took it as if it were a bomb. It was a Letter That Screams Whatever's Written On The Letter Inside The Envelope ( an L.T.S.W.W.O.T.L.I.T.E.).

He opened, and his mother's voice yelled throughout the whole school.

"RONALD WEASLEY! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING FLYING THAT CAR TO HOGWARTS? DID YOU THINK YOU WERE BEING COOL? DID YOU THINK YOU'D FINALLY GET NOTICED? I AM ABSOLUTELY DIS- Please deposit two more Sickles for the next twenty seconds. While you look throughout your house for some change because you're poor shitheads, why get a REAL JOB! You Weasleys make me- ANYWAY, I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED! IF YOU SCREW UP ONE MORE TIME I WILL COME OVER THERE, STRIP YOU AND YOUR BABY DICK NAKED IN FRONT OF ALL YOUR GIRLFRIENDS (NOT THAT YOU HAVE ANY), AND WHIP YOUR VIRGIN ASS LIKE A SLAVE!"

BOOM! Dave shot the L.T.S.W.W.O.T.L.I.T.E with a pistol. Everyone stared at him.

"I don't like that word!"

Colin was about to say, "You mean sl-"

"Sleeves!" Harry interrupted. "Sleeves is a pretty nasty word."

Now everyone was looking at Ron, particularly the girls. Then, they all laughed. Ron started crying like a baby and then ran out of the room as he wet his pants.

In Defense Against the Dark Arts, everyone kept pointing and snickering at Ron, especially Stevie Wonder and his Jackson pals.

Even Hermione, who was sitting next to him, kept taking short glances at his crotch and covering her mouth to laugh.

"Come on, my son," Dave said, "I have a penus deformation too."

"Really?" Ron said, cheerfully.

"Yeah. That it's too damn big!"

"I'm a witness," Hermione said in a seductive voice and then grins at Dave.

"Okay, you know what," Harry said, "that's just too much information. It's the **first day** of school for Christ's sake!"

"Christ?" a Foxx student said. "Who's that?"

"Never mind."

Everyone waited to see who the new teacher was. Out of the room came none other than... Jackov Brukindik!

"Yes it's me. The greatest wizard of all time has come to teach at Hogwarts."

All of the boys rolled their eyes while the girls and looked at him with admiration.

"He's so handsome," Hermione said.

"What the hell are you doing?" Dave asked.

"Nothing!" Hermione suddenly responsed as she took her hand out of her pants.

"Now for our first lesson," Brukindik said, "we will fight invisible bats!"

He pulled a certain from off a cage to reveal... an empty cage. Everyone laughed. Then, he released them.

Nothing happened. Then, blood started pouring from a students fourhead. He scream. Then, books turned into streads. Girls hair started to get pulled. Then Neville was pulled by his ears to the ceiling. Stevie Wonder was bitten in the butt.

Brukindik was gone in a flash. The students started to run out of the classroom.

Now only Harry, Ron, Hermione and Dave were left. Dave was shooting every bat with a shotgun. When blood splattered on his arm, it burned through and he yelled. Then Hermione used a spell to freeze all of them.

"Well, I learned a lot today," Harry said. "That Brukindik is a fraud."

"No he's not," Hermione defended. "He's a very good teacher!"

"What the hell are you doing!" Dave asked.

"Nothing!" she immediately responded, taking her hand out of her pants again.

**Hello again! I went on a little Christmas/New Years break, and it was just cool! Anyway, I'm back on track, so every two weeks on Friday (I know today's Saturday, I'm sorry) I'll update. That's a promise. Hopefully this chapter, which was mostly done today, is funny enough for our standards. Well, thanks for reading, and have a safe (fake cough), and happy New Year!  
**


	7. Black Blood and Guts

**Harry Potter and the Broom Closet of Brooms**

**Black Blood and Guts**

The next day, Harry and the rest of the Foxx Quidditch team were going out for their first practice when they ran into the Jackson Quidditch team. Oliver Wood, the Foxx Quidditch team's captain, went up to Marco Flunt, the Jackson Quidditch team captain.

"We've got the field on reserve for the Foxx Quidditch team today, Flunt," Wood said.

"Well, we've got to train our new Jackson Quidditch team Seeker," Flunt said.

"Fine. Who is he?"

Stevie Wonder went in between the Foxx Quidditch team and the Jackson Quidditch team.

"Ha! That's a good one! But seriously, who's your Seeker?"

Stevie cleared his throat. Wood stared at him and then laughed again. Then Flunt started laughing.

"I couldn't believe it either," he said.

"So why is he on your team?" Wood asked.

"Because his dad bought us all these."

All of the Jackson Quidditch team had a Nimbus 2001.

"Wow, wood."

"Not just any wood. It's magic wood!" (No shit, I know.)

Just then, an advertising agent showed up.

"That's right," he exclaimed. "With the new Nimbus 2001 you get a more comfortable ride, sharper steering, and smoother wood. It's made from morning wood, which is one of the first and straightest woods a man can get. So buy one today, and protect your wood."

He walks away.

"See, unlike your poor ass team, we can afford the better," Stevie boasted.

Suddenly, Hermione, Dave, and Ron appeared out of nowhere.

"Well, at least they didn't have to pay their way in," the smart-ass sgk;mjl;fdjdkj- I mean the very smart Hermione said. "They got in because the school were running out of fund and decided to put any loser on the Foxx team."

"Uh… thanks, Hermione?" Wood said.

Suddenly, Stevie stepped up to Hermione.

"Nobody asked for her opinion, bitch," he said.

"Well, nobody asked your mother to gave birth to a Hunchback of Notre Dome like you."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" everyone around shouted.

"Oh, yeah?" Stevie shuttered. "Well, your parent's are so poor, you had to make your own wand."

"DAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMNNN!"

"Well, your dad's so stupid, he thought he needed a condom to kiss your mother!"

"OHHHHHHHHHH, SSSSHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTT!"

"Oh no she didn't!" Harry shouted.

"I have taught you well, young one," Dave said proudly to Hermione.

The four kids started to walk away.

"Wait a minute!" Stevie yelled. "It's on, now. Somebody give me a microphone."

A microphone lands in his hand.

"Hey, DJ! Spin that shit!"

A DJ nearby by started to make some funky tunes: it was the beat from House of Pain's Jump Around. (If you haven't heard the song before, go to this website to find the song and listen to it. http/ started to rap:

"_If your poor or your rich, no matter which,_

_Come gather 'round, and watch me roast this bitch._

_I won't have her dying, but I'll leave her crying,_

_Running back to her mom and dad. So I sing,_

_Stuck-up, shut up, put your two sandbags up,_

_Your ugly face is killin', all the little chil'ren._

_Overgrown rags, even your flooding robe drags._

_Your only friends are a black kid and those two fags._

_Desperate, lonely, masturbator only,_

'_Cause no boy'd fuck you if you were the last girl in this country._

_Hair messed up, mental state fucked up,_

_You wouldn't leave your house without wearing a cup._

_Go ahead and frown, 'cause I won this round,_

_You can't say anything to bring me down._

_Break it down. Break it down. Break it down. _

_Somebody throw the king his crown._"

All of the Jacksons chanted, "Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!"

As they chanted, Stevie threw the mic at Hermione. "Beat that, bitch!"

Hermione shivered a bit and then started.

"_How can I lose to a jackass like you?_

_You couldn't beat me no matter what you'd do._

_If you think it's a fact you can beat me like that,_

_You've got more dead brain cells than your mom's got fat._

_And just a car that's stuck in a ditch,_

_You're nothing but a helpless and whiny bitch._

_You think you're fearless, but it's not that way._

_You're not really a man, you're just gay._

_I bet your dad puts semen in his hair to make it slick,_

_And to get it he makes you suck his dick._

_You make me hurl, you couldn't handle a girl,_

_So just stay in your little gay fantasy world._

_That's my attack, you better make it a fact,_

_That the bitch from earlier struck back._

_You're whack. You're whack. You're whack._

_I'll let you die in peace of your heart attack._"

All of the Foxxes shouted, "What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?"

Hermione threw the microphone back at Stevie. "Done, bitch!"

She walked back over to her friends, who congratulated her for her probable victory.

Stevie was very stunned and was almost frozen in place.

"Dude, are you gonna take that?" Flint asked, worried.

"Don't worry, I've got this," Stevie said, worried himself.

Finally, he started to final rap.

"_What the fuck was that? Is that the best you can do?_

_Damn, even the Fresh Prince can rap better than you._

_Or better yet, Bo Bice, or even Condoleezza Rice._

_Though I loved that long silence at the end. That was nice._

_You're trying to act tougher than you are, ho._

_You're worse than the U.S.A., if you must know._

_So try if you dare, but there's no one you can scare,_

'_Cause you're a little girl who still hasn't grown pubic hair._

_So go ahead and quit, you ugly bitch._

_You're a poor excuse for a genius witch._

_You'd cause more damage than the Katrina flood,_

'_Cause you can't help it. You're just a Mudblood._"

The music immediately stopped. Everyone gasped. Hermione looked like she was going to burst out in tears. Dave was terribly angry.

"You rude motherfucker! I'll kill you!"

"Do it," Stevie said bravely. "I dare you."

Dave didn't move.

"Exactly, you poor excuse for a black person."

Dave still didn't say anything. Finally, Ron took the stand.

"You'll eat those words, Stevie," he shouted, pulling out his wand.

He fired, but the broken wand backfired. Ron flew back several feet and landed on his back. All of the Foxxes gathered around.

"Ron," Harry shouted. "If you're okay, saying something."

Ron sat up and opened his mouth to speak, but it wasn't his voice.

"We are doing all we can to help the America people who are deserted in New Orleans," he said before shit spewed out of his mouth.

Everyone flinched in disgust. Of course, the Jacksons laughed. Harry, Hermione, and Dave carried him away to Hagrid's hut.

There, Hagrid just gave Ron a bucket for his load of shit.

"The government did not know that 9/11 would happen," he said before more shit came out of his mouth.

"Just let it out, Ron," Hagrid said. "Who was he trying to curse?"

"Stevie," Harry said. "He called Hermione something, but I don't know what."

"What did he say?"

Hermione looked away to cry before she said anything.

"He said I had no pubic hair," she exclaimed.

Silence.

"And he called me a Mudblood," she said, almost cheerfully.

"That motherfucker!" Hagrid shouted.

"What does that mean?" Harry said.

"Michael Moore is a lier," Ron said. "I am doing everything I can to stop the terrorists."

More shit came out of his mouth.

"It's an offensive word for someone who has no magical parents," Hermione said with no uncheerful emotions at all. "Basically, it's the 'nigger' of the wizarding world."

She narrowly dodged a huge spear thrown by Dave.

"Sorry, but you know how I feel about those words," he explained.

"You see, people like Stevie think they're all that because they're pure blood," Hagrid explained.

"That's stupid," Harry said.

"I do care about black people," Ron stated before once again telling out nothing but a load of shit.

"Of course it is. Because everyone knows Hermione can do anything a pure blood can do. Tell you what. How would you (Hermione) like to say at my place for the night to forget about all this?"

Dave immediately got up.

"No way!" he shouted and grabbed Hermione. "She's mine!"

They both ran out of the hut.

"I once masturbated to my daughters naked baby pictures," Ron said, only this time there was no shit.

"Whoa," Harry said.

**Yes, I've returned to the Harry Potter parody. I know I've lost a lot of readers, but hopefully things will turn out better know. I feel confident enough to finish this story and possibly the other Harry Potter movie parodies. After a half a year of writer's block, I'm back.**

**Hopefully you interpreted the raps well. (It took me two-and-a-half hours to write!)**

**The scene with Ron and the shit coming out of his mouth is symbolic for what the original speaker of Ron's quote is: a load of shit.**

**Thanks for reading. I'll update in two weeks.**


	8. Voices in My Head

**Harry Potter and the Broom Closet of Brooms**

**Voices in My Head**

Harry was serving his four-hour detention his Jackov Brukindik by helping him sort out his fan mail. Needless to say, he… actually it's so needless I won't even say it.

They weren't looking at each other, so Harry was okay with it for the moment.

"This is definitely the life to live, Harry my son," Bruk told him.

"Whatever, and I'm not your son," Harry retaliated.

"I'm actually quite surprised you aren't as famous as me. After all you're the one that drove Bob (A/N: Voldemort in my story) away."

"And I'd rather not speak of it."

"So noble. Won't even talk about the guy who killed his parents."

"Right," Harry said, flinching.

"You know, I always wondered if it weren't your parents that were killed, would it have been you?"

"Not sure," Harry growled.

"Not only that, but how could he kill them, but not you?"

"I don't know," he said as he scratched the table.

"You saw them being killed, right?"

"Yes." Harry clutched a quill.

"Did he kill your mother first, or your father?"

"Don't know." He squeezed it harder.

"You know, sometimes before a man kills a woman, he rapes her. Did he happen to-"

Bruk fell silent. Harry was about to stab him but he stopped, too. They both stared open-mouthed at one of Bruk's fan letters.

It contained a picture of Hermione, only she was completely naked and posing. A note taped to the photo read, "From your secret admirer, Ms. Hermione Granger. P.S., note the 'Ms.' in my name."

Suddenly, Bruk started to act as if he was choking. Then, he fell back in his chair and fainted. It appeared that he had suffered a heart attack.

Harry stared at Bruk for a few seconds, and then quickly grabbed the picture, folded it up, and ran out of the office.

Harry walked down the corridors whispering some kind of tune. That's when he heard-

"_Harry. Harry."_

Harry looked around to see who it was. When he didn't see anyone, he shrugged and carried on. Then he heard it again.

"_Harry. I'm gonna get you, Harry."_

Harry stopped.

"What?"

"_That's right. I'll find you, and I'll tear your head off."_

"Who are you?" Harry said, more frightened.

"_All you need to know is that I'm gonna kill ya!"_

Harry started to speed walk.

"_I'll get ya! I'll get ya!"_

Harry broke out into a sprint.

"_You can't escape! I'M GONNA GET YOU, SUCKA!"_

WHAM! A fist collided with Harry's face. He fell to the ground. He looked up to see that it was just Dave. He was with Ron and Hermione.

"Ow, Dave, why did you do that?" Harry asked.

"Well, he did it for me," Hermione said. "You have me so worried. Where were you all afternoon?"

He started to answer, but then-

"_I'll get ya. I'll get ya."_

"No! Stay away from me!" Harry screamed.

"What?" Hermione said.

"Didn't you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"That voice!"

"What voice?"

"_This voice."_

"No! Stay away!" Harry screamed and then ran away.

Dave, Ron, and Hermione followed after him.

Harry ran full speed past a corner.

"No! Stop! Please!"

Suddenly, he slipped and fell flat on his back. He couldn't move very well. He could turn his head, and to his right, he saw a line of spiders marching passed him (on a dry surface, of course).

Ron, Hermione, and Dave finally got there. Ron saw the spiders and screamed.

"What?" Hermione asked.

"Sp-sp-sp-sp-sp-spid-er-er-ers," Ron stammered.

"Well, that's-"

"Look!" Harry shouted.

He pointed to the wall. On it was written in blood: "THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS IS NOW OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY. ANYONE WHO I CONSIDER AN ENEMY WILL BE KILLED. THAT INCLUDES"

It appeared that the writer ran out of blood.

"Includes who?" Hermione asked, worried.

Harry was looking at something else. Hanging from a lamp, Mrs. Norris was hung from a rope around her neck. Dave saw this as well.

"Man!" He shouted. "Of all the ways to kill someone, why would you- See, that's not right!"

Suddenly, about two hundred students and their teachers filled the area. They all gasped at the four students with the hung cat and writings on the wall.

"Mrs. Norris!"

Filch came up and stared tearfully at his only friend. Then, he glared at Harry and started choking him.

"I'm gonna kill you!"

"Argus!"

Dumbledore had arrived. Filch immediately let down.

"He killed my cat!"

"She not dead," Dumbledore said. "She's been Petrified."

"Actually, sir," Dave spoke up, "from what I've seen, if someone's like that, that means their dead."

"David, I'm two hundred years old, I know my shit," Dumbledore said. "You four come with me."

They all followed Dumbledore to whatever horrible fate they'd face.

**I'm cutting the chapter short because I have to leave to go on a week-long vacation. Sorry I'm a day late, but it's better than me not updating for another two weeks, which is what would've happened. Thanks for reading!**

**P.S. the film _I'm Gonna Get You Sucka! _Is a movie that Keenen Ivory Wayans starred in, wrote, and directed in 1988**.


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